Do you wanna be in my gang?

Not another Gary Glitter rant, I promise.

Today the government has published guidelines to parents on how to spot whether your child is in a gang. I have always been a big fan of generalised checklists, ever since I was a teenager and, in the post-Columbine hysteria, The Sun newspaper printed one that seemed to 'prove' I was going to carry out a high school shooting based on my taste in music and clothes. This was quite blatantly rubbish, as I never indiscriminately massacred my classmates. I didn't have access to a gun. I did, however, start wearing a long black coat in order to freak everyone out.

Anyway, these guidelines can be found on the DirectGov website here so feel free to peruse. My personal favourites are:

has your child seemed distant or detached from the family?

Holy crap! It's a teenager!

have they started to use new slang words?

Have you considered your child may just be an illiterate moron?

do they have a new nickname?

"Nah mum, it's not Thomas, from now on I wanna be called G-Dawg"

do they have aggressive or intimidating views towards other young people – even old friends?

Oh please, I have that.

has there been a sudden change in appearance – like dressing in a particular style or colour similar to all the other people they hang around with?

Once again, this would differ from every teenager on earth how?

have there been any unexplained physical injuries?

Hey, I went to Weavers. I had unexplained physical injuries all the time. If I'd been in a gang, this would probably have been less likely, not more.

have they started displaying signs of group behaviour: ways of talking and acting in line with other members of the group, or perhaps using hand signs?

Oh yeah, those sign language students, they're badass.

chat rooms and texts can also be used to organise crime or violence

This is a bit like saying 'speaking can be used to organise violence', ignoring the fact it can also be used for a million other things and usually is. Ban your child from speaking, just to be on the safe side. Or listening. That's equally dangerous.

My ideas for reducing gang crime? I accept this may not be 100% foolproof, but as a suggestion, don't raise your kids to be conformist sheep, don't let them wander about wherever they like at all hours, and make them very aware just how much you will make their life hell if they disobey you. If a kid can be bullied into a gang by a peer, it follows they should be able to be bullied out of it by a parent.

Me? Not really a gang person. Don't really like other people. Much more of a lone gunman. :)