Hometown Glory aka Is my council tax paying for this junk mail?

Every so often, Wellingborough council send us round a newsletter. This time it was a celebration of Wellingborough's carnival weekend (Jason Donovan live!), and the dubious fact that Wellingborough is one of the top places to get married in the UK, beaten only by Kensington and Chelsea. This fact is later clarified to explain that Wellingborough has more bridal shops/venues/florists etc per capita then anywhere else except Kensington and Chelsea, which sounds a little more likely. They did, however, manage to use the pun 'Weddingborough' in the article so more power to them. I don't expect to see Wayne and Coleen renewing their vows here any time soon though. It also launched the new slogan for Wellingborough. Previously they had tried 'Wellingborough... It's Getting Better' but this only led to the snide follow-up of 'Because It Couldn't Get Any Bloody Worse'. Our new slogan is: 'Making Wellingborough A Place To Be Proud Of'. Which I suppose, whilst annoyingly proactive sounding, is at least, well, proactive.

Tucked into this fascinating piece of journalistic excellence were several other publications. They were Growth Area Development Fact Sheet 2 June 2008. This was an update on their rather grandiose plans to extend and redevelop Wellingborough. They intend to do this by putting Compulsory Purchase Orders on half the existing town, including our only free car park, a nursery school, a large ornate building that until recently held the British Legion, a pub or two, basically anything useful or historic. The little drawings Bovis Homes have provided showing one development by the river looks a lot like a cross between Milton Keynes (not renowned for it's beautiful architecture) and Camelot. I have a suspicion it may not look like that. Fortunately, I currently reside half a mile out of town, so I can ignore all of this rather than writing angry letters to my MP and lamenting what is to become of me.

The next booklet was Know Your Local Councillor & A-Z Of Services. In between adverts for Weavers Leisure Centre (which was the school gym when I last used it... for my GCSEs, rather than any sporting activity) and Women's Aid, there are several pages dedicated to pictures and details for all our local councillors. I don't know which mine is as Wellingborough is separated into several wards, and there hasn't been an election since I moved into this flat. Last time I voted, I lived in Castle ward, which coincidentally is the only one in Wellingborough that isn't predominantly Conservative, represented currently by 2 Labour councillors and an Independent Socialist (who looks a bit like my dad, or Penfold from Danger Mouse, either way). I think I may be in Croyland now, where I appear to be represented by 3 Tories who are a smug looking man named Martin, a woman called Lesley who looks a lot like Bella Emberg, and a 19 year-old ginger called Thomas who has one of those faces you need to stamp on, and the fact he's a 19 year old Tory councillor shows he's evidently a precocious little shit who was bullied at school (and rightly so). I despair. I would, however, like to know who took these photographs, as I would love to know how they managed to make every councillor look orange and as if they had no neck, giving the impression that we are actually being represented by orange Smarties in toupes.

Finally, there was my favourite publication, Wellingborough Partnership. This is produced by.... Wellingborough Partnership (an organisation so professional they have a residential address and a Yahoo e-mail address). They are 'the Local Strategic Partnership for Wellingborough'. Which begs the question, what do the council do all day then? They do have some admirable aims, like reducing the under 18 conception rate, reducing obesity among primary school children, and apparently encouraging random capitalisation of letters. Here are a few of my favourites:

'Increase % of people who believe that people from different background [sic] get on well together in their area'

Which basically means we're a backward bunch of racists.

'Reduce % of residents perceiving a high level of anti-social behaviour'

Note: not reducing the anti-social behaviour, just the percentage of people perceiving it. May I suggest blindfolds and headphones?

'We want Wellingborough to be the place where you want to be'.

You want Wellingborough to be a cocktail bar in the south of France? Blinding!

They then went on to state a bold and unexpected goal, one that if achieved, could really put Wellingborough on the map:

'Reduce all age all cause mortality'

That's it people, no more sarcastic comments, no more snide remarks, let's get behind this local initiative and, regardless of age or illness or circumstance, let us all join together and not die. Dying just isn't acceptable. It's not community minded. Dying is anti-social behaviour (so if you must do it, make sure noone 'perceives' it). Do not die in Wellingborough. Fortunately, Earls Barton is easily accessible by bus, and out of the Wellingborough area whilst being only 4 miles down the road. Die there instead, and help them achieve not only the reduction in mortality in Wellingborough, but also their much longed for increase in 'local bus passenger journeys originating in the Borough area'.

I do wonder, given the time and energy (and money?) that went into writing, researching, designing, printing, distributing this information, could they have maybe done some of the things they keep talking about instead of just telling us all about it?

Still, thanks for the latest publication Wellingborough Borough Council. Although I will admit, the subscription price of £100 a month for those of us in a one bed flat is nowhere near as competitive as the prices Heat magazine are offering for 12 months. And they'll throw in free hair products.

http://www.wellingboroughpartnership.org
http://www.wellingborough.gov.uk